


Stay Awhile

by Exterminatorviolence



Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Bad Poetry, Depression, Experimental Style, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Late Night Writing, M/M, freeform poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 04:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exterminatorviolence/pseuds/Exterminatorviolence
Summary: He meets a boywith blonde hairand blue eyes,and he thinksthat boy is beautiful.Or: I kind of want to die, but people want story updates, but all of them would be shit so here's this instead.





	Stay Awhile

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very depressed at the moment. Have been for a little while now, since mid April. I'm still working on it. I wrote a thing about me using third person.  
> This is wrongly formatted and full of grammar mistakes, I don't care.

PART I

I.  
He's selfish.  
He's under no illusion that he's a good a person.  
He thinks he's special because he gets depressed  
and thinks too much  
and either doesn't sleep enough  
or sleeps too much.

He's selfish  
because he thinks he's special,  
but he doesn't want people pitying him or trying to fix him.  
He thinks,  
sometimes,  
he doesn't want to be fixed.  
Wants to live out his life and die  
depressed.

He's selfish  
because he used to want to change the world,  
help people,  
and now all he wants to do is  
help himself.  
  


II.  
He knows he has a good life,  
has a family who loves and tries their hardest to understand him,  
but he's still depressed  
and he doesn't feel like he has a right to be.

He'd say he doesn't belong in this world if it didn't sound like a walking cliche.  
He doesn't mean it like no one understands him,  
or tries to understand him,  
but he means it in a sense that he doesn't belong  
period.

He doesn't want to get a job,  
doesn't want to get married or have kids.  
He wants to travel the country,  
travel the world,  
but he doesn't want to work to get what he wants.  
He has dreams and aspirations,  
but isn't motivated enough to try and get them.  
  


III.  
He thinks he needs to live his entire life by the time he's 30.  
He's scared of getting older.  
He's scared of dying by anything that's not his own hand,  
but he doesn't want to pull the trigger.  
He's content around friends and family,  
he's content alone too,  
does things he enjoys,  
but sometimes  
he wishes  
he was dead.  
Wishes  
he never existed so he wouldn't hurt anyone if he died.  
  


IV.  
He thinks he knows what he likes.  
He thinks he knows everything.  
He judges people upon first meeting them because he thinks they're doing the same to him.  
He decides within the first few minutes if he likes the person or not.  
And if he doesn't  
like the person,  
he shuts them down.  
Doesn't give them a chance  
at friendship  
or anything else.  
  


V.  
He doesn't date  
because relationships are commitment  
and effort  
and don't seem worth it.  
He loves the idea of love,  
the more unrequited the better,  
but he doesn't want it.  
He wants to want it,  
he sees cute couples and thinks  
he'd like that,  
but he doesn't think he will.

He reads story after story of unrequited love and pining,  
has his heart hurt,  
but never fully understands the feeling.  
He reads story after story of two people being domestic together and wants to want it  
_so bad_ ,  
but knows he doesn't.  
  


VI.  
Maybe he doesn't want a relationship  
because he puts on a face around almost everyone and he doesn't want anyone to see him  
when he's at his worst,  
because,  
when he's at his worst,  
he thinks he's shit.  
When he's at his worst,  
he knows that no matter how much a person tells him he's worth it,  
he won't believe it.

Maybe he doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't like sex  
and thinks that every relationship needs sex.

Maybe it's because when you're in a relationship,  
a serious relationship,  
you tell each other everything  
and he doesn't want to do that.  
He wants to have secrets,  
wants to have some things  
kept to himself.

Maybe it's because he's aromantic,  
but being aromantic doesn't seem logical to him,  
so he keeps trying  
to think of reasons why he doesn't want a relationship  
  


VII.  
He doesn't want kids  
because  
when you have kids,  
your life becomes your kids.  
He's not saying that those people are stupid  
or having kids is stupid;  
he just means that when you have kids,  
you love them.  
You love them  
and give your life to them because  
you love them.  
He doesn't want that.  
He doesn't want to live for someone else, wants to live for himself.  
And maybe it's because he's selfish,  
but he thinks that it's because he feels like he's living for other people right now;  
has lived for other people for what seems like his whole life  
and he's tired.  
Always tired.  
  


VIII.  
He's selfish  
because he feels like living is work enough.  
He wants to travel  
without have to work for it because he thinks that living  
_is the work_.  
He thinks that people owe him because  
he wanted to die,  
but didn't,  
and hasn't wanted to live,  
but is.

He thinks the least he deserves is to not worry about everything all the goddamn time,  
or feel like even fucking breathing is work.

He's selfish  
because he thinks he deserves a reward  
for graduating high school,  
even when he wanted to drop out.  
For getting a driver's license,  
even though he knows he'll never drive.  
For taking college classes,  
even when he wants to sleep for fucking ever.  
  


IX.  
He wonders how old people are when they stop worrying,  
or if people ever stop worrying and if they do  
how they do it.  
He thinks people stop worrying when they have a lot of money.  
He thinks people stop worrying when they're on vacation or travelling  
and maybe that's why he wants to travel  
and not worry about money.  
He wants to stop worrying,  
god,  
just wants to stop worrying  
about worrying  
about worrying.  
  


X.  
He wants to travel,  
thinks that travelling will solve his problems.  
Like a change of scenery  
will make any fucking difference.  
It's really just running away,  
disguised  
as a soul search.  
  
  


PART II

I.  
He meets a boy  
with a voice like ivory laced with gold  
and a laugh like a melody floating with the wind;  
faint and not too loud,  
just loud enough for it to be background music.

He meets a boy  
with blonde hair  
and blue eyes,  
and he thinks  
that boy is beautiful.  
He thinks,  
if he could fall in love,  
he'd fall in love with the boy  
with blue eyes  
and a voice like classical background music.  
  


II.  
The boy with blue eyes  
asks him why he's so sad all the time.  
He responds,  
"I don't know."  
It's a lie,  
he does know,  
but his reasons are selfish  
and pitiable,  
and he doesn't want the beautiful boy to see him that way.  
  
  


III.  
The boy with the ivory voice  
holds his arm  
and traces the pale scars.  
It takes an hour  
and he misses some,  
but he appreciates it all the same.  
And when the beautiful boy tells him,  
"I hope you're happy now."  
It breaks his heart to say,  
"I'm not."  
  


IV.  
He confesses to the boy,  
"I'd love you if I could."  
And the boy stares at him and responds,  
"But you do."  
He doesn't know what to say  
to make the boy understand,  
so he smiles and whispers,  
"I guess  
you're right.  
  


V.  
The boy he could fall in love with says to him,  
"We should get married."  
And his whole world  
breaks.  
Because  
he doesn't want to get married,  
and he's still not sure why,  
so he answers,  
"I can't."  
But the boy he wishes he could fall in love with  
just laughs  
and asks  
"Why?  
We may not be in love,  
but we love each other  
all the same."  
And he laughs along with the boy that he loves,  
because the boy that he loves,  
understands and loves him too.  
Not like a romantic relationship,  
or a sexual relief,  
but an unconditional love;  
pure  
and platonic  
and everything he's ever wanted.  
  


VI.  
The boy that he loves  
sits with him when he cries  
late a night  
and doesn't roll his eyes when he claims,  
"Breathing is hard."  
The boy that he loves  
holds him until morning,  
until the sun rises  
and the daylight makes everything  
alright again.  
  


VII.  
Him and the blue eyed boy save money  
for three years  
and get in their car and drive  
to New Orleans.  
He knows  
this is just running away,  
disguised  
as a soul search,  
but when he gets out of the car,  
he feels  
like he can breathe again.  
  


VIII.  
Travelling doesn't fix him  
or solve his problems,  
but he gets a new perspective,  
he sees the other side of the coin.  
This side still has rust  
and dirt;  
it's the same coin,  
only heads  
instead of tails.  
  
  


PART III

I.  
He's selfish,  
but he's under no illusion that he's a bad person.  
He thinks he's special because the boy he loves  
looks at him with pride  
and subtle admiration  
and he finds himself looking back.

He's selfish,  
but he's learned that everyone is.  
He's been working on fixing himself,  
and he thinks,  
often,  
that it might be possible  
to fix yourself and die  
happy.  
  


II.  
He knows he has a good life,  
has a family who loves him and someone he loves,  
and even though he still gets depressed,  
the boy he loves lets him know he has a right to be.

He'd say he doesn't belong in this world if he thought it was true.  
He doesn't mean it anymore.  
He's been trying to make himself belong,  
and for the most part,  
he succeeds.

He makes money here and there,  
is platonically married and doesn't have kids.  
He's travelling the country,  
wants to travel the world,  
and is working on getting what he wants.  
He has dreams and aspirations  
and the boy he loves keeps him motivated enough to get them.  
  


III.  
He doesn't think he needs to live his entire life by the time he's 30.  
He's still scared of getting older.  
He's still scared of dying by anything that's not his own hand,  
but he knows he'll never pull the trigger.  
He's happy around friends and family,  
he's happy alone too,  
but sometimes,  
he still wishes  
he was dead.  
But those times  
are less and less.  
  


IV.  
He mostly knows what he likes.  
He knows he doesn't know everything.  
He judges people upon first meeting them because he thinks they're doing the same to him,  
but the boy he loves helps him realize they're not.  
And if he doesn't  
like the person,  
he does't shut them down.  
He invites them out again  
and gives them a chance  
at friendship.  
  


V.  
He doesn't date,  
because relationships are confusing  
and why would he date when he has a boy he loves  
and who loves him in return.  
He loves the idea of love,  
the more domestic the better,  
but he doesn't want it.  
He doesn't want to want it  
because what he has is better  
and more fulfilling and he's  
happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I'll get back to updating stories.


End file.
